HOW TO MAKE LIFE EASY WHEN IT FEELS HARD

My friend and I were having breakfast at this famous, Mexican restaurant. She was in town to visit her sick dad, “Life just feels hard right now. Things seem overwhelming and out of my control,” she said. That day, over chilaquiles and pan dulce we laughed and cried and she came up with a question that has stuck with me for months.

How can we make life easier when everything feels hard and out of our control?

The answer is Resilience. I didn’t even know that word existed until a few years ago when I read Brene Brown. Resilience is our ability to bounce back from adversity and to grow from our challenges. I finally found the answer to this question through a course in Positive Psychology that I’m taking.

Before talking about a resilience practice, we need to talk about Thinking Traps, which are the reasons why we need a resilience practice. Thinking Traps are over-rigid patterns of thinking that often come up when things get tough or stressful. As you read, identify the one you mostly fall in to. Or maybe you’re like me and you have different thinking traps in different areas of your life.

Mind Reading Trap

This trap is about assuming you know what the other person is thinking, or expecting the other person to know what you’re thinking. This will completely block communication, because you believe you already know.

This is my go-to thinking trap in my relationship with my husband. I assume that things that are obvious to me, are obvious to him too. In these 3-years of marriage I’ve discovered that my husband is not a mind reader.

Me Trap

This is when you believe you’re the sole cause of every setback or problem you have. This leads to a lot of guilt and sadness.

I tend to go into the Me Trap when it comes to my career and my business. I was in the Me Trap for a while when my husband and I decided to close a business that we had invested a lot of money into and that wasn’t taking off. Now it seems silly, but I believed that everything that went wrong with that business was my fault. Of course I played a role in that business not taking off, but it wasn’t entirely me fault.

Them Trap

This is when you believe that other people and circumstances are the sole cause of your problems and setbacks. This leads to a lot of anger, frustration and even aggression. It can be the government, society, your boss, your partner, your city, the culture, etc. It’s not that external circumstances don’t cause setbacks, but they’re not always the sole cause.

Catastrophizing Trap

This is when you ruminate in the irrational worst-case scenario. This leads to anxiety, agitation and even physical symptoms like headaches and stomachaches.

Helplessness Trap

This is when you believe that the negative event is going to impact all of the areas of your life and there’s nothing you can do about it. This leads to de-motivation, giving up and passivity.

These Thinking Traps are reflective and many times happen without our awareness. Therefore, awareness if the first step. Once we’re aware we can use some Real-Time Resilience to re-train our mind to think in a way that’s more empowering, realistic and productive. It’s actually very easy. It’s fill-in-the-blank easy. When you realize you’re in a Thinking Trap, just use any of these fill-in the blank sentences to get you out of that trap.

Evidence

"That’s not true because _____________."

Example:

I’m feeling so anxious about my upcoming interview. They’ll probably think I’m not experienced enough. (Mind Reading)

It’s not true that I’ll ruin my upcoming interview because I’ve really prepared and I’ve had successful interviews in the past.

Reframe

"A more helpful way to see this is ______________."

Example:

I feel that there’s nothing I can do to get healthier, I’ve been out of control lately and I wouldn’t even know where to start. Maybe it’s better if I give up. (Catastrophizing)

A more helpful way to see this is this: I might not have all the answers, and maybe there’s a lot for me to learn, but I do know that I need to eat more veggies and drink more water, so I can start there.

Plan

"If _________ happens, I will ___________."

Example:

It’s my turn to present to my co-workers. I get so nervous and I’m afraid that I’ll let everybody down with my presentation. (Me)

If I start feeling nervous before or during the presentation, I’ll take a few seconds to take a deep breath and look to my friend for an encouraging look.

Over to you: Which is your go-to thinking trap? What Resilience strategy will you try next time it comes up?

If you found this helpful, share it in social media or with a friend that you know might need it.