THE BEST WAY TO BUILD TRUST AND INTIMACY IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP

I’ve been kinda of a bi*ch.

Unintentionally, but still.

My husband came home, super excited and said,

“Guess what? We got the deal!”

“Oh, that’s great! So does that mean you’ll be traveling more?”

I didn’t realize how this seemingly normal conversation could be so discouraging to my husband and how it could damage my marriage so much. When it comes to relationships it’s not only about coping with bad situations, it’s also about how we celebrate the good things that happen.

Passive Destructive

Ignore the event and appear disinterested.

“Guess what? We got the deal.”

“Ohh… so what’s for dinner?”

I know that in your right mind you would never respond like this, but when you’re looking at your phone or doing something else, it’s so easy to ignore your partner. It’s mindlessness, not lack of caring, that makes us ignore our partner’s good news. If anything, learning this taught me to be more present in my relationships and my life.

Active Destructive

Points out negatives, steals the conversation and is dismissive.

“Guess what? We got the deal.”

“That’s great! My meeting went fantastic and my co-workers even took me out to lunch to celebrate.”

I found myself doing this way more than what I want to admit. If you do this it doesn’t make you mean or cruel. Everyday good, caring people kill trust and connection with their partner by responding negatively and stealing their thunder. It’s one of those things that you don’t notice when you do it, but you notice when someone does it to you.

I have the ability to look at things from different perspectives and it’s easy for me to point out potential blind spots to my husband. But when he’s delivering good news, it’s just not the time to point them out, if ever. I’m really trying to only give advice and point things out when the other person asks. Even strengths can become weaknesses if we overuse them or use them at the wrong time.

Passive Constructive

Understated support with low energy.

“Guess what? We got the deal.”

“Wow, that’s great! Congratulations!”

This is how most of us respond when a loved one brings good news. We say something nice and encouraging, but it ends there. This is not bad, but it won’t help to build trust and intimacy. What we want is for our partner to savor and re-live the event. do you respond when your partner/sibling/child/friend shares good news?

Active Constructive

Authentic, enthusiastic and supportive.

“Guess what? We got the deal.”

“Wow, that’s great! Congratulations! Who gave you the good news? Have you told the rest of the team? Etc…”

At first, it feels awkward because it doesn’t always come naturally, but this is the only way of responding that builds trust, intimacy and deepens connection. The point of active constructive responding is to make the person re-live the event. When your partner shares good news listen, ask follow up questions and make eye contact. Turn the TV off, put your phone away and give your undivided attention. Nothing shows more support than giving your undivided attention to hear your partner’s good news.

If we want deep and loving relationships, it won’t happen by accident, we need to be deliberate about it. If you feel like you want to work on your relationship, this is a great way to start. If you already have a great relationship, this is a great way to make it stronger. The next time your partner comes home with good news:

1. Give your partner your undivided attention when they’re sharing their good news, even if you’re in the middle of something important. In the end, nothing is more important than the people we love.

2. Notice how you want to respond. Do you want to point out something negative? Do you want to interrupt by giving your good news? Do you just want to say “congratulations” and move on?

3. Listen (really listen), make eye contact, smile and ask follow up questions that build on the good news.

4. Notice how full your heart feels and how you both feel closer after the conversation.

Over to you: How do you respond when a loved one shares good news? What other things do you do to strengthen your relationships? Tell me!